Personal Struggle — Part 5

This story is meant to be read chronologically. Please start with Part I.

As I previously stated, this is a deeply personal and painful account that I’m sharing with the world to bring awareness of several atrocious events that happened to me almost 19 years ago and were left unpunished.

I couldn’t even smile on camera.

Part 5 is an open letter to my ex-husband:

Hi _____,

I’m sure that you have seen my blog posts by now. I’m sure that you have gotten numerous calls from your friends and family by now. I’m sure that you have been telling them that I’m just a crazy bitch, bitter and unforgiving that we parted ways, jealous of your new life with your new wife, and still trying to get revenge.

I understand that you have an impeccable reputation, a reputation of the most caring and devoted husband and father that you have been carefully constructing for years, for decades. A reputation that you believe cannot be shattered and challenged by anyone or anything.

You can fool your new wife. You can fool your friends. You can fool everyone. But you can’t fool me. I know the real you. I have seen the real you. I might be the only person who saw the real you. The real you who is hiding behind the thick facade of sophisticated illusions. The high functioning psychopath. The cold hearted murderer. The sadistic serial killer.

You are dead on the inside. You have no emotions. You don’t feel anything. You’re inhumane.

Like all victims, I could not comprehend what was happening with me 2 decades ago. I could not comprehend what you were doing to me. I was so young. I couldn’t understand why after going to bed with you, I could not get up in the morning while you were refreshed and full of energy after only 4 hours of sleep. I didn’t know that I could be sucked dry and completely depleted energetically, emotionally, and physically to the point of not being able to move, to the point of feeling dead, to the point of not wanting to live.

I was dying a slow and painful death of starvation. You squeezed all life out of me. I forgot how to feel happy. I forgot how to smile. I forgot how to live. You took it all. You didn’t even leave me a drop of energy. My body was so depleted, it could no longer intake any nutrients. It was just a matter of time until I would die from a natural cause of some unexplained rare disease or some form of a rare tumor that nobody knows anything about. You knew that it was just a matter of time. You were patiently waiting. You were murdering me every day.

I know that your girl in Boston died a sudden death. She burnt down within months from some crazy unknown sickness, some crazy rare tumor. She was a young woman in her 30s. You murdered her too. You destroyed her completely. You sucked her dry. You left her depleted. You left her with no energy. She couldn’t take it anymore. Her body gave out.

I saw all your books on Kabbalah and all your books on neuro-linguistic programming. You were experimenting with me. You were controlling me. You were controlling my thoughts. You were controlling my emotions. You enslaved me. You turned me into a zombie. I couldn’t understand it then, but I understand it now.

All I knew then was that I felt depressed, depleted on all levels, and apathetic. Doctors had no cure. I remember this one doctor telling me that I had a chronic fatigue syndrome and needed to exercise more. I thought he was kidding me. How could I even think about exercising when I had zero energy? You sucked me dry every single day.

How could I study in school or do anything when I had no energy? I was young. I was stupid. I could not correlate your presence in my life with my depletion. I thought it was all me. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I could not comprehend that the problem was in you. My mom could not understand that the problem was in you. She betrayed me together with everyone else who put that blame on me. You fooled her. You fooled everybody. But you can’t fool me now.

I saw your face when I came up to you and told you to call 911. I saw how you hesitated. I saw how it took you a while to analyze the situation, to calculate your next moves, to weigh all your options. You didn’t want to call 911, but it was too early for me to die. You didn’t get everything that you wanted yet.

I saw your face when you were choking me 2 years later when you thought that you took everything that you could. I saw those chilling glassy eyes and that empty expression on your face. You can’t fool me. I know the real you.

Sincerely, Me.

To be continued….