Personal Struggle — Part 13
Me with my ex and “friends” at a Russian party circa 2001.
Hey everyone! It’s been a very very long time since I last posted. I really didn’t think that it would take me this long to publish my next blog post. If you know me personally and intimately, you know that I’ve been through a lot in the last few months… I’ll definitely write about these experiences at some point.
Before all of the recent events, I actually started writing a new blog series, which I know that a bunch of you have been patiently waiting for. I’m calling it “Dating Fails.” I have a ton of entertaining material to share there and I promise that my first piece about “revenge and dating” will be published soon.
That being said, something very important recently came to light and I feel obligated to share it with you.
One of my closest friends, who’s practically family, recently moved back to San Francisco after many years abroad. He reconnected and started hanging out with a bunch of his former friends and classmates from high school and college. During one of these hangouts, somebody mentioned my blog posts and the fact that everyone in the Russian speaking community in the Bay Area has been reading them.
Turns out they all know my ex pretty well. They still see him around. They still talk to him. They still shake his hand. My ex has been openly talking to everyone about what I wrote about. Turns out, he’s no longer denying the fact that he used me, that he married me for money, that he built his business empire on my dad’s money.
It actually gave him more points of respect and admiration in this community. This toxic community. This abhorrent, this disgusting community. It only reminded me why I cut ties with this community and why I never looked back.
All these people read about the horrors of what my ex did and it didn’t shift anything in their consciousness. It didn’t hit them that my ex falls in the ranks of the Harvey Weinsteins and Ted Bundies of the world. That he’s a pedophile for crying out loud! Where is your moral compass? What can you teach your children when you are unable to condemn a crime when you see it?
This behavior is actually very typical of all small and insular communities. This is exactly why it’s so hard for the victims to speak up in their isolated ethnic, religious, academic, and professional communities. This is exactly why so many people get away with despicable crimes under the protection of their fellow community members.
On one hand, there’s the fear of the community that their reputation as a whole will be tarnished if one of their very own members was to do something bad. So they cover it up. There’s also the disbelief that one of its members could even do something this bad in the first place because they are so great and better than everyone else. This is especially true for religious groups.
And then there are communities like the one, which I’m wring about where people are evaluated solely on the basis of their professional and financial accomplishments. If you are rich and successful, who even cares how you got there and what you do behind closed doors?
You might think that what I’m saying here is falling on your deaf ears. Who cares, right? It’s been a fun read and provided abundant material for gossip within your group. “Did you read what she wrote today?” or “Can you believe she said that?” I’m sure it’s been highly entertaining for you.
Turns out, people want even more entertainment. Even more gossip. A bunch of folks that I haven’t seen for years, started reaching out to me under the guise of wanting to reconnect. We’d meet for lunch, dinner, or drinks and mid conversation they would try get some insider scoop from me about this whole situation. “I really admire your strength, your writing style, and your blah… and I realize that I never really knew you and I wonder how blah, blah, blah…” You know who you are and you are disgusting. What is mere gossip for you is a f#*&ing life tragedy for me.
Well guess what? If you don’t get appalled by despicable crimes, there’s something deeply wrong with you. You have no moral code. You perception of reality is completely twisted and perverted. When you refuse to comprehend what really happened to the survivor and when you continue to stay on friendly terms with the perpetrator, with the criminal, you are no better than him. You are rotten on the inside. Your community is rotten.
All these people who continue to support my ex, who continue to do business with him, who continue to shake his hand, who continue to publish his advertisements in their annual calendars (after all, he is very successful and he gives you good donations), you’re no better than him. You have no morals. You are his accomplices. You are rotten. You are toxic. You are self-destructing. Your children will suffer because you had no moral codes. Because you had nothing good to teach them.
If you had any morsels of decency left, you would kick him out of your community, you would kick him out of your social circle, you would stop shaking his hand, you would stop calling him, you would stop inviting him.
What, is he like Harvey Weinstein? Too influential and too powerful to part ways with? What are you afraid of? Are you being bullied and manipulated into his dominion? Think about it… You’re actually scared of him. You’re actually scared of what he’s going to do to your social status and your reputation. You’re actually scared that it will be you who will be ostracized, or that it will be you who will lose money.
I know that many of you don’t like him much, but you are scared of him. I was scared of him. I was scared of him for years. Trust me, you’ll survive. And trust me, you will even thrive in life. Alternatively, you could do nothing, you could retain the status quo, and lose your soul along the way.
P.S. Karma is b*#ch.